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[Jun. 14th, 2004|10:40 am] |
Boundaries
It is a total absurdity that A thought that he could demand a visit to my place. I don't owe anyone an invitation. My place is MINE and "I" decide who can visit. I am still mad. It's a shame that a friendship should come to an end because of such a thoughtless behavior. I couldn't care less to lose his friendship at this point.
Boundaries
Is it possible to for a man and a woman to be just friends? Yes. I do have male friends whom I can trust and who are not gay. Trust is there between us and that trust has been time-tested. As long as people respect others' boundaries a lasting friendship is possible. Then No. it could be as fragile as a piece of glass. Friendship that is motivated by self-interest will show its limit sooner or later. As I got older a real friendship has become something extremely difficult to find and even more difficult to maintain.
Boundaries
H stayed in my place over the weekend with her 5 months year old daughter. That little thing - the baby - ruled us. We had to walk 3 hours with a gigantic stroller around the east village to find the right baby's formula. We all woke up whenever the baby woke up. We had to stop our conversation whenever the baby stirred up from her sleep. We had to do everything we could to please her whenever she cried. We were happy when she smiled, we were not so happy when she was not so happy. Around 10 pm, I started watching a movie. I think I had enough of the baby at that time. As I become more absorbed into the movie, I found myself feeling like getting my mind back. Away from the baby's world, into my own. And felt relieved.
Boundaries
H's dedication to her daughter is just boundless. I think I told her that she's too obsessed and worried too much. Her love was totally selfless but at the same time - at least to me - she looked like she was procreating less desirable effects on her daughter. She anticipates her daughter's every move. 20 minutes to her feeding time, no I have to wait another ten minutes for her to sleep, if I don't do this now she will cry...etc .etc. Her every anticipation, preparation and whatever was based on fear - what if my daughter gets sick, upset, to big, too small, not a drop of water, not a drop of milk, and top if the line clothing when she cannot even afford a face cream for herself. I cannot even list them all. I cannot even articulate what I felt and saw. The H I have known for the past 10 years has disappeared. What if a mother's mind is more focused on the joyous visualization of a healthy, happy child, rather than on the fear of "what if"s? Would that make a difference in a child's well-being?
Boundaries
There is a difference between "accept" and "give in.' Between "know" and "understand". Between "understand" and "do"
I feel foggy in my head. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2004|03:16 pm] |
Love is a wave of emotion
that might never happen in a lifetime
Love is a reward that life gives saying
'you've endured well'
So I embrace this huge fate called YOU
A recompense for the lonely days carried on through
Even goodbye might be a priviledge
That only the lovers can make memory of |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2004|01:36 pm] |
then our will is no other than god's will? Our true innermost will from our true innermost self..
maybe i was cut out to live like a hermit or something of that sort. on a day like this, i feel absolutely out of sync with citylife. If permitted (or if I only had guts, maybe that's more accurate) I would love to go live in a remote place in some place like New Zealand and spend my life doing yoga, reading and gardening. Growing peonies, roses and the flower whose name I keep forgetting and various herbs along with vegetables. Yeah I want to do Tai Chi also.
I admit it. I dont have guts to do that. Brandon is saying he's going to give me his guts LOL.
"is this your "will" in its purest form? your refined convinced course of action?" he asks.
Is it?
This kind of desire or thought has been with me almost all my waking hours. But the other thing that came to my mind these days is to study and become a Javascript wizard.
Now Brandon says "maybe you can do both"
maybe...
Natural possiblities are highly susceptble to the influence of imagination
Someone said I might be one of indigo children or starseeds. better find out what they are.
Boss calling. gotta go
With the patience like mountains
like a clock and in no hurry to reach 5 o'clock
like the sun going across the sky
form phrases like"sit like a mountain"
mountain seems to be a symbol
calm immovable
a mountain is one with its foundatoin
indifferewntr from its foundatoin
inseparete in its harmony
one with the earth
indiscriminate
it doesnt seem complain about who or what walks upon on it
welcome the rain
its streams are indiscriminte in what they reflect
if there is light its stream can never refuse to show a reflection
I like that |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2004|09:36 pm] |
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Is religion a kind of focus, like tarot cards or i-ching are a focus for divination? Then religion is for our will..? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2004|08:02 pm] |
You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait. You need not evben wait, just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.
Kafka
Finally, I realized what others knew all along. Gods never make mistakes. And Gods never take a room at the Ritz. |
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| RM |
[May. 6th, 2004|04:55 pm] |
David Chetlahe Paladin (his real name) shared his personal story with me in 1985; he passed away in 1986. It is a testimony to the human potential to achieve a quality of internal power that defies the limitations of physical matter. When I met him, he radiated a quality of empowerment that was rare, and I had to know how he had achieved what so many people were seeking to achieve. David was one of my finest teachers; a person who mastered the sacred truth Honor One Another and who fully transmitted to others the energy of the sefirah of Yesod and the sacrament of Communion.
David was a Navajo Indian who grew up on a reservation during the 1920’s and 1930’s. By the time he was eleven, he was an alcoholic. He left the reservation in his mid-teens, wandered around for a few months, and then got a job on a merchant marine ship. He was only fifteen but passed himself off as sixteen.
On board ship, he became friends with a young German and another young Native American. Together they traveled to ports of call throughout the Pacific Ocean. As a hobby, David too up sketching. One subject that he sketched was the bunkers that the Japanese were building on the various islands in the South Seas. The year was 1941.
David’s bunker drawings eventually fell into the hands of the American military. When he was drafted into military service, he assumed that he would continue his work as an artist. Instead, he became part of a secret operation against the Nazis. The Army had enlisted Navajo and other Native Americans for a spy network. The operatives were sent behind enemy lines and transmitted information back to the main base of military operations in Europe. Because all radio transmissions could be intercepted, Native Americans languages were used to guarantee that a message picked up could not be interpreted.
While David was behind enemy lines, he was caught by a group of Nazi soldiers. The Nazis tortured him by, among other things, nailing his feet to the floor and then forcing him to stand for days in that condition. After surviving that horror, David was sent to an extermination camp because he was “of a lesser race.” While he was being shoved into a train car, he felt a rifle push him in the ribs, ordering him to move faster. He turned to face the Nazi soldier. It was the German fellow David had befriended on board the merchant marine ship.
David’s German friend made arrangements for David to be transferred to a prisoner of war camp, where he spent the remaining years of the war. When the camps were liberated, American soldiers found David unconscious and dying. Transported to the United States, David spent two and a half years in a coma in a military hospital in Battle Creek, Michigan. When he finally came out of the coma, his body was so weakened from his prison camp experiences that he could not walk. He was fitted for heavy leg braces and, using crutches, he could drag himself short distances.
David made up his mind to return to his reservation, say a last good-bye to his people, then enter a veterans’ hospital and stay there for the rest of his life. When he arrived at the reservation, his family and friends were horrified at what had become of him. They gathered together and held council to figure out how to help him. After the council meeting the elders approached David, yanked the braces off his legs, tied a rope around his waist and threw him into deep water. “David, call your spirit back,” they commanded. “Your spirit is no longer in your body. If you can’t call your spirit back, we will let you go. No one can live without his spirit. Your spirit is your power.”
“Calling his spirit back,” David told me, was the most difficult task he ever had to undertake. “It was more difficult than enduring having my feet nailed to the floor. I saw the faces of those Nazi soldiers. I lived through all those months in the prison camp. I knew that I had to release my anger and hatred. I could barely keep myself from drowning, but I prayed to let the anger out of my body. That’s all I prayed, and my prayers were answered.”
David recovered the full use of his legs and went on to become a shaman, a Christian minister, and a healer. He also returned to his drawing and earned a reputation as a highly talented artist.
David Chetlahe Paladin radiated a quality of power that felt like grace itself. Having survived a confrontation with the darkest side of power, he transcended that darkness and spent the rest of his life healing and inspiring people to “call back their power” from experiences that drain the life force from their bodies.
The core issue in uniting the dualistic energies of our relationships is to learn how to Honor One Another. Using the energy of the second chakra, the creative force of the sefirah of Yesod, and the symbolic sight of the sacrament of Communion, we can learn to cherish the sacred unions we form with each other through the days of our lives.
So much of the way we respond to the external challenges is determined by how we respond to ourselves. In addition to all the relationships we have with people, we must also form a healthy and loving relationship with ourselves ~ a task that belongs to the energy of the third chakra.
Yesod ~ the phallus, the procreative force of God, merging energy into physical form. This sefirah is also known as the Righteous One, which, in Proverbs 10:25, was referred to as the “foundation of the world.”
YOUR SPIRIT IS YOUR POWER By Dr. Carolyn Myss |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2004|11:40 am] |
I see the people working,
And see it working for them.
And so I want to join in,
But then I find it hurts me.
Some say that knowledge is something sat in your lap.
Some say that knowledge is something that you never have.
I see the people happy,
So can it happen for me?
'Cause when I am unhappy,
There's nothing that can move me.
Some say that knowledge is something that you never have.
Some say that knowledge is something sat in your lap.
Some say that heaven is hell.
Some say that hell is heaven.
I must admit, just when I think I'm king,
(I just begin.)
Just when I think I'm king, I must admit,
(I just begin.)
Just when I think I'm king,
(I just begin.)
I've been doing it for years.
My goal is moving near.
It says, "Look! I'm over here."
Then it up and disappears.
Some say that knowledge is something sat in your lap.
Some say that knowledge is ho-ho-ho-ho.
I want to be a lawyer.
I want to be a scholar.
But I really can't be bothered.
Ooh, just gimme it quick, gimme it, gimme gimme gimme gimme!
Some say that knowledge is ho ho ho.
Some say that knowledge is ho ho ho.
Some say that heaven is hell.
Some say that hell is heaven.
I must admit, just when I think I'm king,
(I just begin.)
Just when I think I'm king, I must admit,
(I just begin.)
Just when I think everything's going great,
(I just begin,)
Hey, I get the break,
Hey, I'm gonna take it all--
(I just begin.)
When I'm king--
(-- just begin.)
In my dome of ivory,
A home of activity,
I want the answers quickly,
But I don't have no energy.
I hold a cup of wisdom,
But there is nothing within.
My cup, she never overfloweth,
And 'tis I that moan- and groaneth.
Some grey and white matter,
"Give me the karma, mama!"
I'm coming up the ladder,
"A jet to Mecca,"
I'm coming up the ladder,
"Tibet or Jeddah,
Up the ladder...
"To Salisbury,
A monastery,
The longest journey,
Across the desert,
Across the weather,
Across the elements,
Across the water!"
gorging kate bush...i sold my brain for a penny |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 8th, 2004|10:00 am] |
Every monday morning this office feel like an unpleasant foreign land.
cold morning, snow in march
Alex's father just passed away. A few days ago he said he didn't do well with tragedies...how strange... |
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